Afraid.

Im sorry to bother ya late night like this, but i just couldnt take it anymore or store it in me, it was just hard to do so. I dont know what or where it went wrong, but i just couldnt contain it in me anymore. Its making my heart thumping faster as days gone by. Im afraid to close my eyes down. And just let things be for i am not that sorta kind.

I cant rest well or eat well, well maybe because i missed ya much but that wouldnt stop or do anything will it. I guess, all i can do was just sit back and try to relax if i could. Im afraid to close my eyes down and rest my head, as i am scared real bad. I am afraid of my own nightmares, afraid of my own shadow that will consume me, afraid that i might loose something which i want it so badly that i cant take the pressure of it anymore.

You said, i was a lil immature, well i disagree on that, cause no matter what i do or what i had in my mind or my hand, i take em serious and would not let it be just like this. I may sounded naive or it maybe some sorta speech that was taken from a movie or a tag line. But im pretty sure i didnt take anything from there or anywhere to just get close to ya heart and sit right by your side. In fact, i wanna be by your side always.

I dont know how to tell it to ya, as i am afraid that i will ruin things and will let things be worst than what it is right now. You said you didnt want strings attached, but for me just aint the right time to show ya a diamond ring and had strings attached but least give me a chance to prove the years to come by that i be that man to bring ya a diamond ring and show things to ya. Im openin myself up to ya with trust, faith, and confidence. But i cant see nothing from ya or ya hand. Its like i had ya in my mind and heart but not ya presence round.

Its already 5:23am, but i am still wide awake, i am so afraid of closing them eyes and just let the day go by. I am so afraid that i am lost within my own dreams and never come back life again. I am afraid that i will just lie down there, with thoughts of happiness in you in it but i can never felt ya in reality. I am afraid of loosin ya..afraid that you will leave me alone, and didnt wanna go back there to where i was once alone walking the dark alley down to my own faith empty handed.

Wherever you are...

I'm telling you
I softly whisper
Tonight tonight
You are my angel

I love you
We will become one
Tonight tonight
I just say...

Wherever you are, I always make you smile
Wherever you are, I'm always by your side
Whatever you say, you're always on my mind
I promise you "forever" right now

I don't need a reason
I just want you baby
Alright alright
Day after day

We still have a long journey ahead
Please always, always,
until death, stay with me
We carry on...

Wherever you are, I always make you smile
Wherever you are, I'm always by your side
Whatever you say, you're always on my mind
I promise you "forever" right now

Wherever you are, I never make you cry
Wherever you are, I never say goodbye
Whatever you say, you're always on my mind
I promise you "forever" right now

To us, the day we met is the day
we should commemorate the most.
Then, this day called "today" is the day
we should commemorate the second most.

Someone I can love from my heart.
Someone I love from my heart.
In the center of my love,
you, my heart, are there.

Wherever you are, I always make you smile
Wherever you are, I'm always by your side
Whatever you say, you're always on my mind
I promise you "forever" right now

Nonsense.

I kinda find it in a way that it is interesting enough for me to endure the long weeks while you're gone. But of course it will bring back bad memories and as well as crucial times that i felt like i needed ya attention for the moment but i guess it will blow your mind apart and yea, bothering ya but i think i will not do so. And just leave ya for the week and hope things will come.

And yes my dear, your heart is indeed with me here though you're a lil too far away. Guess what, i am gonna take this whole week, a consideration on cardio and diet exercise. Yes, hopefully i can actually have the will and strength to pull myself together and doing other stuffs which brings us closer. Or so, for the future.

Well, i may be unpredictable at times but i can be very easily be seen. To be honest, i think i have already into your rabbit hole thus making me falling deeper and i cant actually bail out but i am willingly to fall it..hahhahahaa...i may not sound mature or serious but i will do what i can to change and perhaps that is my normal attitude that id rather find more amusing that just being...stiff like a wood.

This doesnt sound like me but i am tryin my best to hold onto a piece of my own. So yea, i be holding on my G.R.I.N.D (Get ready its a new day.)

Mind Blocked

Ive been nocturnal for some time now. And it was just hard to sleep back when you just tend to think and think more. I made a promise that i will never be thinking much and as well as not being too over emo to it. But yea, so im still awake typing this..which is what is in my mind about and listenin to some tunes that hopefully will serenade me to sleep again.

If not mistaken, prolly in my blog most of the time i have been nocturnal and havin trouble thoughts. But what the hell, i just hope people would actually understand me on the inside, rather than just lookin at me like some clown, and as well as a lunatic as most would say..hahaha..

So, yea thinking kills..but i just cant help it. But wonder...why, what and how or would it be. If its bout career, i do hope i get a good offer in a big company and making something outta myself and doin something which people would recon me and of course climbing up to that level. Family, im just the only kid in the house, what do ya think...a lil worried of course for both them ol folks. But at the same time they are supportive over me..hahhaa...but its good to hear that still, a lil worried. Girlfriend, well i just hope i could make it happen with her throughout the journey of what we are facing though its a lil distant. Yea, i loved the way of who she is and what is her. I just get so lost between her eyes and not knowing what comes next but i like the surprises part where you just wanna make things so much better for the future. =)

p.s if ya reading this,  i just want you to know that i love you no matter what and hey, im always here for ya aye.

the phat fam, no worries, desmond is always on the side lines for some laughter and good moments forever wit ya'll. Still alive aint lost that's all.

Taking the SH!t

Work pressure, aint that what we all are facing now. Since we all have grown up. I should actually say that i was pretty lucky to have a great mentor and as well as a good friend. He brushed me up like i was in a boot camp, shit up and screw my ass till the top of the mountain. Indeed, it was all in a good way.

He once told me, workin in an adrenaline rush company, you will face the pressure and fun of doing so, but pressure it what we are the maker of it. In a way it was kinda true when you really sit down and think bout it. Just when you already face the bad shit and side of the work. Lockin yourself in the storage room and think of it. Things just get kinda bad but you endure it.

Id say i did blow up my moments and yes, i did things which i hurt peoples feeling so bad that i was a total jerk. But in the end, i realized it that i was on the wrong and where i should actually organize my stuffs in an orderly manner so i could complete them no matter what. Well, every now and then you just have the guts to screw it up, but everyday is a learnin day so we learn and adapt.

I manage my work, family and relationship due to what i had learn from the hard way, not the highway moments. But yea, it was a great deal and i did manage without screwing things up. Havin an extra time with my family on the dinning table, chattin bout work and what's the solution to things which i am so not ready to it. And of course my relationship, it was a ray of sunshine to see when you get to see your dearest there...hahhahahaha

The moments of telling her the experience and troubles you faced before. Learning what in and whats out. We share. Well i do hope she does know what im tryna say here and as well as i was there to hear hers as well..hmmm..oh and as for myself, well i do have time fo the guys and making good moments and funny loads out in the streets. Aint we all have the moments of it.

Pressure at work and home has a whole lotta different feel. Work is where you start jump shit on everything and making things easy for yourself than for people and of course being polite and at a good manner. But at home, what the hell...that pressure is pleasure indeed.

Just so you know...

Days just gone by and minutes just passes and fly by. But sometimes filling up the days with things that you're suppose to do arent just the only options that you have. Thinkin too much might kill, quite true though. And eventually i think its killing me to the point that i should not have gone to.

Telling it out might ruin everything including the relationship and the chances of colliding like chemistry instead of geography. Distance, well it has nothing to do but the minds of the person and willingness of the person itself. Gladly i must say, i aint the sort of guy which actually worries much on that as i had faith n put trust into it. Yes, trust...its kinda hard to actually write an essay out here and just tell it to the people or you just wanna express. Cause a person like me, most likely to show expressions and very deep thought to things.

By chance, if only you would have seen me and see this of what im typing it out to words that comes from the mouth and heart of mine, you'd  prolly be feeling a lil wierd and yea...cute?! LOL..that i total lol-ness i gotta admit.

So yea, things had changed for the past months and life moves on normal like how everday would be. Waking up, thinking of the day and how it would be, and hell yea...with having you filling in the life of mine is just so much different.

How different i say, well...you made me lost in the eye sight of yours though the way you said it was small and squinty..but i gotta admit im lost within. Hoping that everyday would be just fine and better, cmin back and hear ya voice and prolly you asking me how was my day as not many would do so. Id be glad that i came back to the home have you hugged me for dinner and asking bout each other's day progress. No matter big or small, interesting or non of it the above, headache or none headache, or maybe a solution to things that will have together. 2 heads are better than 1 aye. So yea, i was fantasizing and dreaming and it was pretty naive of me to do so and think so. But im more happy, you brought me to a level where i felt that i am me again, young and natural. I dont have to hide or just to impress ya or what..but im much carefree when im with ya.

Dont ask my how or why or whichever, but i just felt the way. It was a good feeling, a feeling that i was looking for a long time. Yes we all do have our dark past and so what not to ever happen but, im willing to change and head for a good start wit ya and be a better man or person or whatever you wanted me to be.

I guess i be updating more post as i just have loads to tell but just not the right moment now. =)

Anyhow, how was ya day?? Hey no matter what you know im just right here k..i aint invisible or some...but always by your side.

Its all about you.

It's all about you (it's about you)
It's all about you baby (it's all about)
It's all about you (it's about you)
It's all about you

Verse 1:
Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew
So I told you with a smile, it's all about you
Then you whispered in my ear and you told me too
Said you'd make my life worthwhile, it's all about you

Chorus:
And I would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles, it's all about you, yeah!



Chorus 2:
And I would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Yes you make my life worthwhile
So I told you with a smile
It's all about you

It's all about you (it's about you)
It's all about you baby (it's all about)
It's all about you (it's about you)
It's all about you baby (it's all about)

Flashback

I came back and i read my blog, as i was chattin on skype and it was an awesome one that i had. But after doin so, scrolling and rolling..i read all my blog post, it was ridiculious but was fun on the other hand. Yea, i still cant believe that nobody actually still hooked onto my blog fo some reasons. My friends actually told me that cause i aint a chick so yea..that's why there are no readers or followers hooked on.

As i was sayin, it was funny to see what i wrote, my rantings, my complains, my agony and pain that i share wit ya'll and as well as mentioning that particuliar person in my life for the past 5years and gwad dammit. I am done wit it and i shall not mention bout it at any circumstances. But yea, i do wish to see something progress here and so on. I think i will update my day and how horrificly pathetic i am to actually have the time to write and change some themes or perhaps a new banner for my blog.

Bliss memories

There were things i hate bout you...i really hate it when i see you with another guy...i hate it when you were not there to find me anymore. I hate it that you always think that i was not there, I hate it when you said that you knew something bout me but the fact is that you dont know shit nothing bout me. How..or who when where..would you come up with the idea that you're gonna know shit on me?!

Hell no! A lil persuasion from ya would be that hard? I waited fo lik 2years...and still there aint any changes. What didnt change was you were in the car with me and you still change the channels on the radio, which is what i liked bout you on that. But i guess its all gone by now, therefore it is no more. How cruel can it be in life that it was just gone within a blink or just within these 5years.

If only i could write a symphony or a simple song that could express my heartfelt feelings or what would be in my head now. And with that you can understand how things has been fo me. I assume that you wouldnt bother bout it or dont even care what it was or how i be right now. I know its dumb to think bout it now or even mention it all over again. But it never ends or it never been killed. Its kept withing an far in a vault only i myself would know.Not even friends or the close ones knew.

Crazed out!

I may not be as good as other bloggers or so on, but i guess i could use the blog as something fo me to express some shit out or just to get my systems goin on during the nocturnal time. Such godly hours really kills and tortures. Who know we maybe so blurred out we tend to see things we dont wanna see. Just joking...if you have that ability..hmmm...its better off not to know anything or just be norm.

Being all paranormal or normal or non normal, we all do have our sides of dark n light.

The hand that never backs down

How i wish i could turn back the time right now. Where i just sitin my room staring at my math books and history and as well drawing cartoons with my account papers. That was high school life back there, and text messaging her at the same time while day dreaming. Once in a while we would text message each other in tuition class. How numb we can get sometimes. But i guess it was just a way that we would be or acted at that period of time.

Hell i wish i could be just sittin next to her and watch tvb series once in a while. I dont really understand most of the show or their hongkie language, i still do know that i am a chi guy. The funny thing is, i dont understand every sentence of it or the meaning in it but somehow i like their actions and reactions. Their facial expressions can tell alot from there.

I wouldnt say that i am totally good in my math. But i was tryin hard and i did stress myself every night in doin it. Hell even add math was a fav but i bailed out in exam. For a reason i bailed..Its freakin ass HARD! I know...i know imma lazy ass bum. But i did it fo a purpose, fo a goal and fo something i want to persue in life and not being somebody as useless as it may seemed.

Time is just moving forward and never back it up, might as well i just cont doin in what im good at. Perhaps..in the near future..

Runnin on WOAT!

How long has it been that i have not been touching this blog and how long of a month had i not type anything into it, nor tellin any stories of it. Its kinda hard to say as things were so buy and i recieved remakrs telling me that imma busy guy. Hell! i aint no busy guy, but i tend to do my thigns a lil slow and not speedin it up, that is how busy i had been.

Well there's lotta reasons im outta the scene and not makin any noise or any sound. Met an accident, go on field trips with my mates and gettin myself ready fo IELTS. That is something new. English course, it aint a course like hw we would take in high school or college. Instead, this goes internationally. Fuckin A dude..hahhahaa..

Gyming was good. Releasing some of the pressure i just need to get it out. Anger...im tellin ya the sweat that drips from yer head to chin, now that is adrenaline. Im liking it much. Progress, well im gettin the hand of it and still maintining my weight, but i building mass baby. Mass on.

Its bout to rain heavy rain, and its gotta be worse than cat n dogs. Hopefully it aint raining cow dungs. So, peace out before i hit the thunder.

Being blind

My eyes are swollen up..well not from being beat at or wert..but my eyes were like KickAss..Dope.

Like an annoyin fly

Sometimes i have been thinkin by myself, am i that annoyin sometimes. Or was i that annoyin to people or should i even say that i have that kinda pleasent look that peeps dont really wanna say it infront of my face that.." Hey des...you're one hell of a fuckin annoyinn shit!" ya'll can say so that i been thinkin hell lotta things. But i cant really sto myself from thinkin that much. Too much time? Nah...aint bout that as well. Sittin down and start thinkin...we all be thinkin hell loads.

Replacements

What i didnt know or realise was...perhaps i was a replacement. As i stood there n be there. And be the one that could have supported the idea and being a shoulder to cry on or hang on. I guess after all these thinking and figuring out, maybe i was a replacement.

Addicted

I was born in the 80's with that summertime love
Then changed the whole game like whatever I'd done
Out the gutter I come
To touch the bright sun
And from the highest heights motherf*cker I jumped

Free in the sky of belief I can fly,
Ain't no tellin what they're sellin man they're sheep in disguise
Keep this in mind, I keep on my grind
I can do it any way I wanna do it and
Bitch I'll sleep when I die
Explosive, ferocious, get up get down that's showbiz
Power to the people that have freedom in their focus
I hope this helps you when your under the thumb
When you feel like nothing can save you
When you feel like jumpin the gun

Stop relax and remember even in the worst weather
You'll find a way across it, there'll be brighter days honest
So get up, get out and get somethin that's on the real
Forget what you were taught and show these people how you feel
Like
Who are you to tell me how to live my life
Cause I won't give this up
These are my shoes
My view
My cue
To say I do give a f*ck

And pretty soon I'm a bloomin it'll be alright
Everyday's another chance to ignite
Cause I'm addicted (Uh-Oh), I'm addicted (Uh-Oh) I'm addicted to this universal feelin called life

Since a foetus, explored life's subtle secrets
From my fingertips to my unique double helix
I can see history, I can see the past lessons
It's your right never be afraid to ask questions
How can every religion, claim to be the only one
How can they preach love – yet fight each other holding guns
I think the golden sun may be able to shed some light
I'd rather push peace and knowledge to defend our right

These leaders in suits tell us to fight for one side
 You think they got their sons and daughters on the frontline?
Not down for war but down to get an education
We're all evil yet they push synthetic separation
But in this matrix I won't be failin to make it
This is my cosmos baby space sailin with Sagan
I heard it's not where your from it's where your carvin' your view
I heard you don't have to wear a suit to argue the truth
And so

Who are you to tell me how to live my life
Cause I won't give this up
These are my shoes
My view
My cue
To say I do give a f*ck

And pretty soon I'm a bloomin it'll be alright
Everyday's another chance to ignite
Cause I'm addicted (Uh-Oh), I'm addicted (Uh-Oh) I'm addicted to this universal feelin called life

They spoon feed but I won't be taken that sedative
Cause my thoughts are way *too* precious to waste on the negative
I keep them critical yet positive to break the chains
Every dawn is a chance to make a change
Thinkin bout all the energy swirlin all around us
We project it, we get affected it's just profound stuff
Earth is my garden and I grew from it
I pay the youth homage cause I know their views honest

Can you read between the lines of the news comments
Fightin' over land just to take some fuel from it
I guess oil boils down to some cool profits
But war, what is it good for really who wants it?
Like

Who are you to tell me how to live my life
Cause I won't give this up
These are my shoes
My view
My cue
To say I do give a f*ck

And pretty soon I'm a bloomin it'll be alright
Everyday's another chance to ignite
Cause I'm addicted (Uh-Oh), I'm addicted (Uh-Oh) I'm addicted to this universal feelin called life

5:00 am

Surprisingly i am still awake and doin my essays at this time. Never been sleeping..well these few days i had been as nocturnal as Batman does. Its never been good stayin up like this but i just cant shut my eyes and go surrender to my bed. Bloody hell..my head is just like..what are you gonna do..where yer gonna go...what to do what to do...and whole bunch of shit load. Dam...im just being bothered by some thoughts of mine which i cant solve. And i need a solution to it.

Ungodly hour

I rather had myself hurt than any of my friends or any of my close ones. As far as i sit there and think there may a few unpleasant issues i am not satisfied about. With so, i kinda feel the pain and hurt bout it. Thinkin back and forth i hope i did the right choice.