Afraid.

Im sorry to bother ya late night like this, but i just couldnt take it anymore or store it in me, it was just hard to do so. I dont know what or where it went wrong, but i just couldnt contain it in me anymore. Its making my heart thumping faster as days gone by. Im afraid to close my eyes down. And just let things be for i am not that sorta kind.

I cant rest well or eat well, well maybe because i missed ya much but that wouldnt stop or do anything will it. I guess, all i can do was just sit back and try to relax if i could. Im afraid to close my eyes down and rest my head, as i am scared real bad. I am afraid of my own nightmares, afraid of my own shadow that will consume me, afraid that i might loose something which i want it so badly that i cant take the pressure of it anymore.

You said, i was a lil immature, well i disagree on that, cause no matter what i do or what i had in my mind or my hand, i take em serious and would not let it be just like this. I may sounded naive or it maybe some sorta speech that was taken from a movie or a tag line. But im pretty sure i didnt take anything from there or anywhere to just get close to ya heart and sit right by your side. In fact, i wanna be by your side always.

I dont know how to tell it to ya, as i am afraid that i will ruin things and will let things be worst than what it is right now. You said you didnt want strings attached, but for me just aint the right time to show ya a diamond ring and had strings attached but least give me a chance to prove the years to come by that i be that man to bring ya a diamond ring and show things to ya. Im openin myself up to ya with trust, faith, and confidence. But i cant see nothing from ya or ya hand. Its like i had ya in my mind and heart but not ya presence round.

Its already 5:23am, but i am still wide awake, i am so afraid of closing them eyes and just let the day go by. I am so afraid that i am lost within my own dreams and never come back life again. I am afraid that i will just lie down there, with thoughts of happiness in you in it but i can never felt ya in reality. I am afraid of loosin ya..afraid that you will leave me alone, and didnt wanna go back there to where i was once alone walking the dark alley down to my own faith empty handed.

Nonsense.

I kinda find it in a way that it is interesting enough for me to endure the long weeks while you're gone. But of course it will bring back bad memories and as well as crucial times that i felt like i needed ya attention for the moment but i guess it will blow your mind apart and yea, bothering ya but i think i will not do so. And just leave ya for the week and hope things will come.

And yes my dear, your heart is indeed with me here though you're a lil too far away. Guess what, i am gonna take this whole week, a consideration on cardio and diet exercise. Yes, hopefully i can actually have the will and strength to pull myself together and doing other stuffs which brings us closer. Or so, for the future.

Well, i may be unpredictable at times but i can be very easily be seen. To be honest, i think i have already into your rabbit hole thus making me falling deeper and i cant actually bail out but i am willingly to fall it..hahhahahaa...i may not sound mature or serious but i will do what i can to change and perhaps that is my normal attitude that id rather find more amusing that just being...stiff like a wood.

This doesnt sound like me but i am tryin my best to hold onto a piece of my own. So yea, i be holding on my G.R.I.N.D (Get ready its a new day.)

Bliss memories

There were things i hate bout you...i really hate it when i see you with another guy...i hate it when you were not there to find me anymore. I hate it that you always think that i was not there, I hate it when you said that you knew something bout me but the fact is that you dont know shit nothing bout me. How..or who when where..would you come up with the idea that you're gonna know shit on me?!

Hell no! A lil persuasion from ya would be that hard? I waited fo lik 2years...and still there aint any changes. What didnt change was you were in the car with me and you still change the channels on the radio, which is what i liked bout you on that. But i guess its all gone by now, therefore it is no more. How cruel can it be in life that it was just gone within a blink or just within these 5years.

If only i could write a symphony or a simple song that could express my heartfelt feelings or what would be in my head now. And with that you can understand how things has been fo me. I assume that you wouldnt bother bout it or dont even care what it was or how i be right now. I know its dumb to think bout it now or even mention it all over again. But it never ends or it never been killed. Its kept withing an far in a vault only i myself would know.Not even friends or the close ones knew.

The hand that never backs down

How i wish i could turn back the time right now. Where i just sitin my room staring at my math books and history and as well drawing cartoons with my account papers. That was high school life back there, and text messaging her at the same time while day dreaming. Once in a while we would text message each other in tuition class. How numb we can get sometimes. But i guess it was just a way that we would be or acted at that period of time.

Hell i wish i could be just sittin next to her and watch tvb series once in a while. I dont really understand most of the show or their hongkie language, i still do know that i am a chi guy. The funny thing is, i dont understand every sentence of it or the meaning in it but somehow i like their actions and reactions. Their facial expressions can tell alot from there.

I wouldnt say that i am totally good in my math. But i was tryin hard and i did stress myself every night in doin it. Hell even add math was a fav but i bailed out in exam. For a reason i bailed..Its freakin ass HARD! I know...i know imma lazy ass bum. But i did it fo a purpose, fo a goal and fo something i want to persue in life and not being somebody as useless as it may seemed.

Time is just moving forward and never back it up, might as well i just cont doin in what im good at. Perhaps..in the near future..

Runnin on WOAT!

How long has it been that i have not been touching this blog and how long of a month had i not type anything into it, nor tellin any stories of it. Its kinda hard to say as things were so buy and i recieved remakrs telling me that imma busy guy. Hell! i aint no busy guy, but i tend to do my thigns a lil slow and not speedin it up, that is how busy i had been.

Well there's lotta reasons im outta the scene and not makin any noise or any sound. Met an accident, go on field trips with my mates and gettin myself ready fo IELTS. That is something new. English course, it aint a course like hw we would take in high school or college. Instead, this goes internationally. Fuckin A dude..hahhahaa..

Gyming was good. Releasing some of the pressure i just need to get it out. Anger...im tellin ya the sweat that drips from yer head to chin, now that is adrenaline. Im liking it much. Progress, well im gettin the hand of it and still maintining my weight, but i building mass baby. Mass on.

Its bout to rain heavy rain, and its gotta be worse than cat n dogs. Hopefully it aint raining cow dungs. So, peace out before i hit the thunder.

Being blind

My eyes are swollen up..well not from being beat at or wert..but my eyes were like KickAss..Dope.

Like an annoyin fly

Sometimes i have been thinkin by myself, am i that annoyin sometimes. Or was i that annoyin to people or should i even say that i have that kinda pleasent look that peeps dont really wanna say it infront of my face that.." Hey des...you're one hell of a fuckin annoyinn shit!" ya'll can say so that i been thinkin hell lotta things. But i cant really sto myself from thinkin that much. Too much time? Nah...aint bout that as well. Sittin down and start thinkin...we all be thinkin hell loads.

Replacements

What i didnt know or realise was...perhaps i was a replacement. As i stood there n be there. And be the one that could have supported the idea and being a shoulder to cry on or hang on. I guess after all these thinking and figuring out, maybe i was a replacement.

5:00 am

Surprisingly i am still awake and doin my essays at this time. Never been sleeping..well these few days i had been as nocturnal as Batman does. Its never been good stayin up like this but i just cant shut my eyes and go surrender to my bed. Bloody hell..my head is just like..what are you gonna do..where yer gonna go...what to do what to do...and whole bunch of shit load. Dam...im just being bothered by some thoughts of mine which i cant solve. And i need a solution to it.

Ungodly hour

I rather had myself hurt than any of my friends or any of my close ones. As far as i sit there and think there may a few unpleasant issues i am not satisfied about. With so, i kinda feel the pain and hurt bout it. Thinkin back and forth i hope i did the right choice.

The Next Best Thing

Well, i have been long gone and indeed been missin out from a cruise ship and devour some delicious food from what i can say best that God could offer...hahhaa..not to mention the next best thing i can enjoy. The lime light of a rock star and ejoyin good music to my ears which of course i wished i could have bought myself a band and enjoyed it every day and night.

Now that mus have been a great plan, but i must say..i rather have myself be a self made millionare. Woot..dun be too over flatter now...hehehhehehe...more to come now, more to come. And i will update more on whats the best thing ever in life.

Empty

Brain currently been not so me at all, and i just dont know what im thinkin about. Its hell of a disaster in there..whatever it is i hope...just hope and be glad to find a solution to it. Definitely to end this lil misery im having.

Sounded wierd, as lots of peeps been askin me am i ok..or am i still high on something else..or im just making it up? Honestly to tell...i am not high nor making things up just to gain the recognition or attention..dude..who would do that unless hes a mofo i hope to give a punch on the face.

Its a complicated case, i dont know how should i start or how would i do bout it. Tellin it..aint much help..killin myself..nah~that doesnt help much either. Hittin myself on the wall...hmmm...just remembered i got 4screws in my hand..makes me iron man aint it?hahhahaha...well...hmmm...im sobering..speechless but im typin here...WOW!

I wouldnt say that i am emo or down or lowback..but..i am rather not touched and i am complicated at thigs,who when where how why..WHY?? If only i can just face to face and ask ya..why..i think that solved most of the problems i have.

Go Hard or Go Home

Well i dont really have any idea where i be gone startin to tell bout my travel logs which i have been missin out fo quite some time. Maybe cause the laziness and the slackin had me onto my bloodline, makin me all dump down on whatever i ever started. But this is my promise that i aint gone backin down on anythin i started unless it puts me down..takin me along and consumed and as well as spat back out.

Hell, it has been indeed a month rest, and yea i never miss out on what i wanted to do. Not to mention hangin with the gang that came back from abroad and as well as makin every weekend or weekdays occasionally fo a ball game. Couldnt imagine how fast time flies and things gone be the same like usual.

Ah, but i can make a thing that i am back on my feet to hittin the gym. Not to mention our Brethren John is there as well as Terminator Ryan Singh..hahahhahhaa...never stop trainin guys..no pain no gain huh Ryan. The last time i gym was with our beloved and respectful lecturer, Mr.Sundra and as well mischievous Ivan Goh, well those were the days that our college facility were all limited and we had to improvise on every equipment we find. Lucky they still have the dumb bells and as well as the rod..if not i be stealin the "Berhenti" signage pole fo bench press.

So, every week makin it to the gym aint hard but what is the hardest part is...the trainer comes and press a lil here and there...well not pressin of lil part which is gonna go wrong..but the muscles and weak points. Bloody hell mate...

Mornin Do

Time now is 0901hours....and i had bout like freakin 4hours of sleep?!?Dam after last night of stoning...aint know much bout what i had on...and ow i gotta head down to the gym fo a lil iron and pumpin...raw eggs and juices here i come!? Wave ya flags here comes Uncle Sam!

Not to mention, there be lunch time with Mr.Loi and Big Bro Amen Edmund Yip....gone be havin so called set lunch at Stadium fo a lil indian banana leaf...how great life would be like this.

Over the tumbleweed

Shiat..i have been draggin and not doin anythin at the mean time. Not to mention howd my imagination is. Total crash all over. Been over fo some hols with a bunch of friends and been as well as a monkey all rounder. Not to mention being a toker for a night or two was dead ass aint no fun. I real fucked up man..serious shit. And as well as a friend of mine a real close mate askin me fo a collab on a design..how am i gonna work on it.

Hey, sem break's over and guess what...imma face my lect once again. A face to face class i'd like to see that who be dead. Im freakin ass stoned and as well as being numb, and i aint feelin any of ma fingers now...listenin to rap songs and speakin on life with weed..imagine that...Fuh~ you get that to the windpipe and be gettin the vision bigger than the picture. I think imma sign out and roll out...peace!

Taking back Sundays

Ah, the time no is already 1112hours, and personally i think i have never been able to sleep back like how i am suppose to. Bad enough, i am now nocturnal, and i have been goin on like this fo like 3days now. Body's been able to move but still i am all whole numb, plus there is nothing i can do bout it. How bad was that.

Waking up everyday, forcing to wake up in the mornin without my hot cup of joe is just total screamage to it. As now i am sittin here tryna diddy up my portfolio, ideas just aint flowing like normal. Blunt aint workin, feeling the moment right now is so torturing, what more i am rottin at home...gwad dammit! Where the travellings at, where the love been gone goes at??

I think i gotta do some shit which can be made moving and as well as this blog goes. Seems to be like aint peeps reading or i am writtin these weeps all alone for the joy of occupyin my own damed time.